Ayo Pierography

Something special, unforgettable

She, she, she want it, I wanna give it to her
She know that it's right here for her
I want to see you break it down
I'm hungry, throwin money around

She work it girl, she work the bowl
She break it down, she take it low
She fine as hell, she about the dough
She doing her thing on the kitch' counter yo

Her savory fillin', she makin', makin'
Look at the way she bakin', bakin'
Make you want to touch it, make you want to taste it
Have you lustin' for her, go crazy face it

Now don't stop, get it, get it
The way she fryin' make you want to hit it
Think she double jointed from the way she sizzled
Got you're head fucked up from the way she did it

She's so much more than you're used to
She knows just how to smell to seduce you
She gone do the right thing and touch the right spot
She'll dance in your mouth till you're ready to pop

She always ready, when you want it she want it
Like a nympho, the piero, I show you where to meet her
On the late night till daylight the kitch' jumpin'
If you want a good time, she gone give you what you want

Baby, this a new age, you're like my new craze
Let's get together, maybe we can start a piero phase
The smoke's got the kitch' all hazy, spotlights don't do you justice, baby
Why don't you come over here? You got me saying

Ayo, I'm tired of using Mrs. T's
Why don't you sit down on top of me?
Ayo, I'm tired of using Mrs. T's
I need you right in front of me

Ooh, she wants it, uh uh, she wants it
Ooh, she wants it, uh uh
So I got to give it to her

Your filling, your dough
You got me hypnotized, let me tell you
Your sizzle, your taste
You got me hypnotized, let me tell you

Got a thing for that thing she got
The way she make it tick, the way she make it pop
Make it cheesy for us so she don't stop
I ain't got to move, I can sit and watch

In her fantasy, there's plain to see
Just how it be, on me, backstrokin', sweat soakin'
All into my set sheets

When she ready to eat, I'm ready to roll
I'll be in this bitch till the kitch' close
What should I do? One thing on all fours
Now that that shit should be against the law

From side to side, let the ride, break it down
You know I like, when you hike and you throw it all around
Different style, different move, damn I like the way you move
P, you got me thinkin' about all the things I do to you

Let's get it poppin' shorty, we can switch positions
From the couch to the counters in my kitchen
Baby talk to me

Baby, this a new age, you're like my new craze
Let's get together, maybe we can start a piero phase
The smoke's got the kitch' all hazy, spotlights don't do you justice, baby
Why don't you come over here? You got me saying

Ayo, I'm tired of fuckin' Mrs. T
Why don't you sit down on top of me?
Ayo, I'm tired of fuckin' Mrs. T
I need you right in front of me

Pierogies

Pierogies. Let's not kid ourselves: they're delicious -- but only when made well. The thing I look for most is the savory filling-to-dough casing ratio. You cannot fuck this ratio up, but some pierogi cooks do. The ones that do are leaving deliciousness on the table, and that's just stupid. I don't eat unfilled bread bowls or bowls of plain noodles, so I didn't come for the dough. Your bread is buttered by the savory filling, so don't skimp on it. Keep those savory filling-to-dough casing ratios up. Thanks.

On a related note, some of my friends and I used to climb onto the roofs of schools after hours when we were in junior high school. This one school had a courtyard in the middle, in which students had buried a "time capsule." We talked about digging it up and fucking with it, but we never did. If I ever reconcile with those old friends and return to that school, I know what I would stuff into that time capsule: a gangload of disgustingly low savory filling-to-dough casing ratio'ed pierogies. Safe.

Meebs

PS Thank you, D.F. Sacks -- you know what it is.

"Winning"...Pirate-style

Recently I became an assistant coach for my soon-to-be stepson's little league baseball team. Yes, I'm 28 years old with a 12 year old stepson. The age proximity puts an awkward strain on the coach-player relationship as the boys can smell my vulnerability and lack of child-management skills.

At a recent indoor practice, I was throwing fly balls to the kids and repeatedly kept hitting the gymnasium ceiling. I was silently muttering expletives but maintained composure. Finally, I called the boys over to provide some sage advice on playing the outfield. As they made their way over, my stepson says “you suck at throwing fly balls.” Before I had the chance to respond, another kid says “You look like Ichiro’s cousin.” Rather than address either comment I decided to launch into my "coach" speech; “You guys all watch the Pirates, right?” I asked. Somebody from the back shouted “the Pirates suck.” “Okay” I said. There was a brief pause. As I struggled to find a better segue another kid calls out “But the pierogies are cool.” There was broad consensus. For a fleeting moment I considered an example using one of the pierogies but defaulted to the New York Yankees instead. After concluding my words of wisdom, I heard the beginnings of an argument over Pirate Parrot's continual interference.

I felt so defeated.

Pepper Jack

I have had what can only be described as a disastrous day (no details will be provided as the wound is still fresh). As such, I present one of my favorite moments from Always Sunny in Philadelphia for my own healing. I hope you enjoy it as well.