Probably almost no one thinks about going to Rite Aid to purchase pierogies. And I certainly don’t -- think about going to Rite Aid or purchase pierogies. I go to Rite Aid unthinkingly at this point, because Rite Aid is my ATM. Why is Rite Aid my ATM? Why wouldn’t it be? Did you know you can get up to $100 cash back per purchase-transaction at Rite Aid? Ignore those card-swipe-machine suggestions of 10, 20, 30, and 40 dollars back; get at that “Other” option, and enter a hundo. Try this shit at Walgreen’s. You can’t. Walgreen’s had a cash-back limit of 40 dollars and a while back lowered it to 20. Of course, that’s $20 per purchase, so you could snag several packs of gum and have them rung up separately. But that inefficient ish gets old fast. At Rite Aid, you can pocket a Garber with each gum pack.

Now, you’re probably wondering what happens when you dial up a hundo, but the register doesn’t have that much cash. You’re thinking, it’s Rite aid, so they probably charge you and short you, i.e., fuck you. Not so fast -- this ain’t your elderly FWB’s Rite Aid. They prevent that undesirable transaction from going through, and then you get to take another crack at things. This happened to me once, when trying to keep it 100. After 100 failed, the cashier lady said she only had like 40 in there, but I called her bluff and went for 80, and she totally had it. Tough day for her -- losing both all credibility and the ability to make change for anything larger than a ten.

My favorite part about ATM’ing at Rite Aid is the "playing with house money." I’m either paying less than the usual $2.50-ish ATM fee and getting something pretty decent like Tic Tacs or Burt’s Bees or a Gatorade, or I’m getting something I really need, a household essential perhaps, on sale (because when you’re only getting one thing, it’s easy to stick to sale items) and using $2.50 of house money toward that thing. Those loss leader items that attract people to the store? I’m already at the store, and it’s for something besides items -- but I do need one item, and nothing beats choosing that one item from among the loss leaders, with house money covering the first $2.50. I don't believe I'll single-handedly put Rite Aid out of business, but Rite Aid is definitely going out of business before too long.

I will warn you: you’ll probably want to acquire a Rite Aid “Wellness” card to maximize the value you can claim at Rite Aid’s expense. The Wellness card is going to expand your selection of loss leaders and, in some cases, deepen those losses (for Rite Aid, of course). Enjoy the sign-up process, though; I always do by using as much personal information as I can remember about a high school friend I grew apart from. This can lead to humorous exchanges such as the time I forgot my Wellness card, the cashier lady asked for my phone number in order to pull it up, and I got to tell her “I used a fake phone number and I don’t remember it.” Please let me know if you’re not by now HIV-positive about becoming a full-blown ATM’er with Rite AIDS.

Sex Panthers

Last year, the back of Pittsburgh Panther football tickets had a coupon for buy-one-get-one-free Panera Pick Twos. This year, the coupon is for $2-off Pick Twos. The pros of the change include that a comrade is no longer essentially required to redeem the coupon, the cons include that the redeemer no longer gets as many dollars off, and the forest that cannot be seen for these pro/con trees is that Panera is fucking mediocre. (Panera, to my knowledge, does not serve pierogies.)

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifinakis

I hope the video below works. We were discussing these at the Palooza so I am just posting one of my favorites. I would suggest just watching the whole series though.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Ben Stiller from Between Two Ferns

The Mile High Pierogie

So my flight back to STL from the graduation commencement was another miserable rescheduling. My flight out of PIT was schedule a little before 8 pm, when I got the airport, I found out they delayed it by almost two hours. They said some air traffic control issues in the Northeast, probably another FTA controller fell asleep in his tower. (Remember, my flight into town was delayed 2 hours) That meant I would miss my connection in Detroit, which is also the last flight to St Louis for the day, so I was offered the choice, between spending the night in Pittsburgh and getting on a 6 am flight, or fly to Detroit and spend the night there. I told Delta to f%@# off and took the 28X to town.

Initially I was upset over the schedule mess, but I got over it, I got to see a friend for the extra eve, and I thought about hitting up Point Brugge for a round of the curry mussels, but I had to abandon that idea because in the aftermath of Saturday night activities, my body could not handle more than a chicken salad for dinner on Sunday. So I went and got that at the Murray Avenue Grill, nothing to write home about, yet, here I am writing.

Anyway, that was the evening. I woke up at 3:45 am after slightly over two hours of sleep to catch the 28X again for a 5:50 am flight, connecting through freakin’ Atlanta. I slept on the first leg of the flight, at the Atlanta airport I used the lay over to shave, brush my teeth, and change into something work-appropriate, and got myself a cup of Seattle’s Best (Does anybody else think that’s a lousy name for a chain? Not catchy. They should have done what Panera did when they dropped the name St Louis Bread when they went national, but I’ll pick their coffee over Starbucks any day).

Anyway, as soon as I sat down I began conversing with beautiful lady sitting next to me; a consultant from Atlanta on a project in St Louis doing the dreaded Monday-Thursday commute. The conversation for some reason revolved around food, and more food. Ironically, I later found out the woman’s name was Margarita, not like the drink, rather the pizza, or may be the drink. Since it was so early in the morning, I bit my tongue and held back juvenile comments about what I would do to a margarita. Remember, I take it shaken with salt on the rim. More irony for you, her last name turned out to be the same as a favorite Spanish restaurant in the Burgh.

The two interjections that interrupted the food conversation where Kingsport, Tennessee; she had lived there briefly, and I visited once, so I knew enough to tease her about the misery that is life in said town, and blogging. The latter came up when she flipped through the airline magazine and came to the page you see in the picture. She was intrigued when I asked her to hold still while I took a picture of the delicious treat being hand crafted.

Touchdown!!! 9:40 am; in the office half an hour later. Despite copious amounts of coffee, I had to sneak a short post-lunch nap on a couch in my boss’ office. He was not there that day. I also slept for over 10 hours that night.

On a separate note, this is a picture of toasted ravioli, St. Louis’ closest thing to pierogies, in that it’s a local signature dish, and of the pierogie family. It’s not as good as it’s rumored to be.

What The Hell is a Pierogie?

Is it like tortellini, only made out of a potatoes? Asian dumpling with a less sketchy point of origin? Something that was made up so the Pirates could rip off the Brewers' sausage race? What's a good entry point for eating pierogies in this town?

I ain't hatin', I'm juss ig-nant about deez tings...

Ayo Pierography

Something special, unforgettable

She, she, she want it, I wanna give it to her
She know that it's right here for her
I want to see you break it down
I'm hungry, throwin money around

She work it girl, she work the bowl
She break it down, she take it low
She fine as hell, she about the dough
She doing her thing on the kitch' counter yo

Her savory fillin', she makin', makin'
Look at the way she bakin', bakin'
Make you want to touch it, make you want to taste it
Have you lustin' for her, go crazy face it

Now don't stop, get it, get it
The way she fryin' make you want to hit it
Think she double jointed from the way she sizzled
Got you're head fucked up from the way she did it

She's so much more than you're used to
She knows just how to smell to seduce you
She gone do the right thing and touch the right spot
She'll dance in your mouth till you're ready to pop

She always ready, when you want it she want it
Like a nympho, the piero, I show you where to meet her
On the late night till daylight the kitch' jumpin'
If you want a good time, she gone give you what you want

Baby, this a new age, you're like my new craze
Let's get together, maybe we can start a piero phase
The smoke's got the kitch' all hazy, spotlights don't do you justice, baby
Why don't you come over here? You got me saying

Ayo, I'm tired of using Mrs. T's
Why don't you sit down on top of me?
Ayo, I'm tired of using Mrs. T's
I need you right in front of me

Ooh, she wants it, uh uh, she wants it
Ooh, she wants it, uh uh
So I got to give it to her

Your filling, your dough
You got me hypnotized, let me tell you
Your sizzle, your taste
You got me hypnotized, let me tell you

Got a thing for that thing she got
The way she make it tick, the way she make it pop
Make it cheesy for us so she don't stop
I ain't got to move, I can sit and watch

In her fantasy, there's plain to see
Just how it be, on me, backstrokin', sweat soakin'
All into my set sheets

When she ready to eat, I'm ready to roll
I'll be in this bitch till the kitch' close
What should I do? One thing on all fours
Now that that shit should be against the law

From side to side, let the ride, break it down
You know I like, when you hike and you throw it all around
Different style, different move, damn I like the way you move
P, you got me thinkin' about all the things I do to you

Let's get it poppin' shorty, we can switch positions
From the couch to the counters in my kitchen
Baby talk to me

Baby, this a new age, you're like my new craze
Let's get together, maybe we can start a piero phase
The smoke's got the kitch' all hazy, spotlights don't do you justice, baby
Why don't you come over here? You got me saying

Ayo, I'm tired of fuckin' Mrs. T
Why don't you sit down on top of me?
Ayo, I'm tired of fuckin' Mrs. T
I need you right in front of me

Pierogies

Pierogies. Let's not kid ourselves: they're delicious -- but only when made well. The thing I look for most is the savory filling-to-dough casing ratio. You cannot fuck this ratio up, but some pierogi cooks do. The ones that do are leaving deliciousness on the table, and that's just stupid. I don't eat unfilled bread bowls or bowls of plain noodles, so I didn't come for the dough. Your bread is buttered by the savory filling, so don't skimp on it. Keep those savory filling-to-dough casing ratios up. Thanks.

On a related note, some of my friends and I used to climb onto the roofs of schools after hours when we were in junior high school. This one school had a courtyard in the middle, in which students had buried a "time capsule." We talked about digging it up and fucking with it, but we never did. If I ever reconcile with those old friends and return to that school, I know what I would stuff into that time capsule: a gangload of disgustingly low savory filling-to-dough casing ratio'ed pierogies. Safe.

Meebs

PS Thank you, D.F. Sacks -- you know what it is.

"Winning"...Pirate-style

Recently I became an assistant coach for my soon-to-be stepson's little league baseball team. Yes, I'm 28 years old with a 12 year old stepson. The age proximity puts an awkward strain on the coach-player relationship as the boys can smell my vulnerability and lack of child-management skills.

At a recent indoor practice, I was throwing fly balls to the kids and repeatedly kept hitting the gymnasium ceiling. I was silently muttering expletives but maintained composure. Finally, I called the boys over to provide some sage advice on playing the outfield. As they made their way over, my stepson says “you suck at throwing fly balls.” Before I had the chance to respond, another kid says “You look like Ichiro’s cousin.” Rather than address either comment I decided to launch into my "coach" speech; “You guys all watch the Pirates, right?” I asked. Somebody from the back shouted “the Pirates suck.” “Okay” I said. There was a brief pause. As I struggled to find a better segue another kid calls out “But the pierogies are cool.” There was broad consensus. For a fleeting moment I considered an example using one of the pierogies but defaulted to the New York Yankees instead. After concluding my words of wisdom, I heard the beginnings of an argument over Pirate Parrot's continual interference.

I felt so defeated.

Pepper Jack

I have had what can only be described as a disastrous day (no details will be provided as the wound is still fresh). As such, I present one of my favorite moments from Always Sunny in Philadelphia for my own healing. I hope you enjoy it as well.

Saurkraut Saul

Since the baseball season started today, it is only fitting everyone's favorite Pierogi, Sauerkraut Saul, get a shout out today. Saul has his own Facebook page and the Pierogi Race has its own Wikipedia page, although I'm not sure how.

If you cheer for another pierogi at Pirate games this year, you are a pussy. If you root for Jalapeno Hanna, you are an enormous pussy. If you are going to the Pirate game next Friday against the Rockies, like me, you are just pathetic. Laura is watching me write this and she said that none of this is or anything on this website is funny and doing this in general is stupid. She cheers for Jalapeno Hanna.

Just the tip...

Fayyad, I don’t know if I am ready for this. I have never done this before. Sure, I have thought about it. Who hasn’t? But I didn’t think it would actually happen. Definitely not this soon. I am only 28. Ricky will be 47 this year and I don’t think he’s done it yet. I am not sure if Steve ever will. But what’s the harm in trying new things? I might as well see how it feels, right? Okay, well, here goes nothing…

I am blogging. This blogging is about pierogies.

I thought you were just saying whatever you thought I wanted to hear, but you were right, it didn’t hurt at all. Still, I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about this. You kind of have a reputation around school.

Discretely yours,

D.F. Sacks

This post not valid in the West Bank or Gaza

Denny's Baconalia Menu Missing Bacon Pierogies

Menu item missing from area restaurant

Somebody check on Blahovec so he does not hurt himself... They have bacon meatloaf, bacon flapjacks, and the "Maple Bacon Sundae," an ice-cream sundae with maple syrup and bacon bits. Now I'm happy they did not forget about ice cream, since it is the most important food group, however, overlooking pierogies cannot be forgiven.

Denny's is dead to me.

Identity Crisis

The blog is only hours old, and it hit a snag. A debate has ensued over the proper spelling of the damn polish thing. Apparently, Schmidt and Blahovec "roll" with "Pierogi", I really don't care about how they "roll," but they referenced the Merriam Webster dictionary and Mrs. T's frozen section items. I don't argue with Mrs. T's, or Aunt Jemima for that matter, her syrup is delicious.

Anyway, since this project is going to be a marvelous act of reinvention, recovery, and transformation we shall from here on "roll" with Pierography.

The History Of Perography

The Setting: Silky's on Murray Avenue, Thursday night, after class. Another pesky mini semester is coming to a close too soon for us to have comprehended much of the content, yet so late that boredom had started setting in.

The Conversation: So we're coming up on graduation soon, most are preparing for job interviews, it occurred to us that will will soon scatter around the country, or even in a global diaspora. Davin really wanted to go to Austria, he's even willing to work milking cows in the Alps for room and board only. I digress.

So I suggested that we're going to need a means for staying connected post graduation, the brilliant fantasy football league notwithstanding. Davin quickly suggests that we should collaborate on a blog, he thinks a blog is a board game, I added that perhaps we should make a blog about Perogies, aiming to find a Pittsburgh-centric theme, Blahovec quickly contributes: "We should call it Perography!"

Championshiiiip!

Since we are a decisive bunch, no further deliberation was needed. Brilliant! Meeting adjourned, and back to discussing whether the free pretzels sitting on the tables in pint glasses where safe to eat.

So here we are, a few months later, and significantly closer to graduation day. The exodus has begun, I was the first to depart the fair river town, [Headed west to another river town] and the departure of a few others is imminent, perhaps this summer, while a few other will hold the fort down for now.

So if you're contributing here, tell a story, important or not, no big deal, if you manage to insert perogies in it one way or another, that would be great, perhaps you could mention a great perogi you had, tell us about another cuisine's version of perogies you encountered... they're many: Dumplings, Shish Berek, Tortellini, Dim Sum, Impenada, the list goes on, or you can profile your favorite perogie mascot at the Pirates game, or the person behind it. Whatever you feel like..

But most importantly, keep the group updated about your news, or funny encounters. Because let's face it, you'll never have as much fun again as you did with our group. So until the next reunion, blog on.

ScarJo